«

Let the summer festivities begin!!

It is coming.

Like a wave of unbroken sound.

And life

Crashes down upon the never before touched

Shores of my imagination.*

And those words, such heavy words!

Chain shackles on my heart and

Pull.

They pull me deeper, weighting me, exhausting me.

Murdering me.

And I cry for a match.

I cry for a means to light my heart on fire.

And burn.

Because your words stab and maim.

And I? I crumble from the weight of your shackles

The shackles that you trap me with.

The shackles of my broken love.

A shore defiled.

An imagination darkened.

A red love blackened.

And I burn.  Because

Burning is peaceful. It is better.

Constant and never-changing.

Burning is better than bleeding.

Written by my good friend and somehow it applies so well to my life right now.

Again…someone decided that I’m a boredom buster….he’s bored at home so he texts me. Fuck my life. And it doesn’t help that he’s friends with the guy I’m in love with…

I hate that guys just see me as a piece of meat for when they have nothing better to do.  I’m never anyones first choice…And maybe I deserve it…

And on top of that my grandparents made strawberry shortcake and that’s like my favorite…but the biscuits are soo fattening!!

So even after working off the extra calories, I feel like a fat ass, worthless piece of trash…

Here Goes

Read More

So…I’ve been thinking…which is rarely a good thing for me. But ya, I’ve been thinking, that even though I’m in love with him and can never stop thinking about him and would give anything to just talk to him and have him hold me again, my logical side (if I have one) keeps telling me that there is absolutely no reason I should feel this way about him. He was never overly sweet or complimentary, he didn’t take me on a date, he never told me he cared for me…and yet the way I felt around him was completely different from the feelings I’ve had around any other guy. He made me feel at peace, like I could actually handle whatever was thrown at me. And when he hugged me, I just felt….safe? Calm? I don’t even know….When I was with him it just felt…..right. 

And when you feel things like that, it’s hard to let go of a person no matter what your brain tells you.

It seems like lately, things keep happening that just give me more hope that maybe somehow, miraculously, things will work out for me and him…and even though it’s stupid to be hoping that, that’s what’s keeping me going right now.

It’s been a hell of a week that’s for sure.

Read More

Such a great movie, with a lot I can relate to. Definitely worth watching.

This guy I’ve been talking to for a few weeks and whose been taking me on dates and who I just talk to and can just be friends with, and who I am kind of starting to like a lot…well, he came over last night. 

And we watched a movie and just talked…we talked about our craziest nights, and all the crazy shit we’ve done. And he didn’t think any less of me, even though I did some really crazy shit.

And then when he left, we had that awkward doorstep moment…and I could tell he wanted to kiss me, but he didn’t and pretty sure it was soo cute. He’s the only guy I’ve been able to talk to like this, and hang out with without feeling like he was expecting something more. I can be myself around him and he won’t try to pull a move on me. 

It was just a nice night. He was so sweet and it was just great :)

They want me to shape up and start being a super good churchy girl again….which I don’t want. 

They’re willing to buy me a car if I promise to start shaping up. 

But in exchange for that…they want me to let them pay for laser tattoo removal.

And my dad is willing to throw in just about anything in order for me to remove the tattoo…money/price is irrelevant he said.

I really love my tattoo..and I really really REALLY don’t wanna get rid of it.

but I need a car…and I could potentially get a nice tv, an xbox, and a few hundred dollars out of it. (I’m not letting them get out of this easily).

But I really would rather keep my tat…

What do I do??

I had just drunk a ton of extra caffeinated coffee to prepare for my all nighter, I didn’t have a belt on cuz it broke so my stomach was showing a little bit, and I had just tried on bright red lipstick. 

After they left, I got huge page long texts telling me I looked like a ‘burn out’ ‘like I was on drugs’ ‘pale and unhealthy’ and a ‘tramp’ and earlier at my therapist appointment my mom basically accused me of being a whore. 

And they want me to open up to them and tell them things because they’re ‘always going to love me and support me and not judge me’ and a bunch of bullshit…

and they don’t understand why I won’t talk to them. I feel like my reasons for not doing that are pretty self explanatory…but maybe it’s just me.

And they basically just barely cut me off. I was going to live at home over the summer but now they tell me I can’t come home cuz they don’t want me to be a bad influence for my siblings. Shit.

I feel so lost right now..